Let me tell you a story about a very terrible story.

It all started with a tweet from the author, Arrow Rivendell.

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Here’s the cover of the Erotic Novel about DeflateGate

I didn’t think much of it, but thought I’d look more into it because I’m a damn good journalist. So damn good, that I GOOGLED Mr. Rivendell. This man doesn’t just write Patriot-Hating Erotic Novels, but also Dinosaur erotica. The link to buy will be at the bottom, don’t worry.

Anyway, onto the main event.

I’ll say, I was expecting something way different than I got. I really thought this wasn’t going to be a Patriots hating story, but oh boy is it. Here is how the story begins:

“Tommy Terris lay awake in bed, alone again, on another Saturday night. Like most New England Patriots fans, he had become accustomed to being alone on Saturday nights.

And he knew, deep down inside, that he would probably die alone. The only hope in his life rested with the New England Patriots.”

Yeah. As a Patriots fan, I kind of felt personally attacked here. How dare he say that? It made me immediately realize that this guy must be a Jets fan. He didn’t answer my DM about his fan-hood.

Basically, the story is about, well I don’t really know. Tommy Terris, who is a “cockdoll maker,” is alone and really wants to meet Tom Brady. He has a chance to meet Tom at some upcoming balls that he has been invited to. (To be honest I’m not sure if this is right but this is what I’ve gotten from it).

Moving on, the story continues with bizarre lines and rough writing by Mr. Rivendell. Here’s an example of that from the second page:

“And Tom Brady was going to attend the Children’s Aid Society Ball. At least that is what the rumor mill said.

And the invite. It was on the invite. Brady was hosting it.”

I’m aware it is a “Comedic Erotica,” so I really shouldn’t expect much.

Although this, uh, book(?) doesn’t have such a thick plot, it does make for an interesting read. The piece has plenty of out of the box lines and thoughts that at times it is hard to keep up. Here’s another bizarre paragraph, this time from page 4:

“All my balls are deflated,” he screamed, as he came out of the closet. “All of them.”

Deterred, Tommy decided to skip the gym and go straight to the computer porn, like most New England Patriots fans do on a Saturday morning.”

Strange, especially because Rivendell is just dropping bombs only on page 4, but to be honest I don’t really get this one. Like I do, that it means that all Patriot fans are single, but it is still bizarre to me. Here’s one more line, this time from page six:

“Like most New England Patriots fans he had chopped liver in his fridge for Sunday dinner.”

Not sure what to make of this line. I mean, cmon. Whatever, great chirp Arrow.

I guess I should stop copying and pasting Arrow Rivendell’s book onto the blog. If you want to see more, you’ll have to drop $6.00 on Amazon. Do Patriot Erotic Novels not tickle your fancy? Well Arrow has Boned By The T-Rex (The Dino Love Bone Series) and Boned by the Triceratops (The Dino Love Bone Series) also available on Amazon.

 

—-> For what it is worth, I didn’t read the whole book, I didn’t even read half of it. I couldn’t handle any more. Let me know how far you get, and let me know what happens. You can find me on the Twitter @ConnerGrant5 and tell me all about it. Or in the comment section. Whatever works.

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One thought on “The DeflateGate Erotic Novel Nobody Asked For

  1. Just to put in prospective how insane this guy is here is the About the Author that Amazon wrote about him “ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Arrow Rivendell is clearly a pen name. I mean, if you wrote dinosaur po-, er, erotica, would you put your real name on it? I mean, what would they say at the “club”?”

    Liked by 1 person

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